Sacred winds.

Long time, no blog. I am really terrible at writing anything current in my life on here, mostly just thoughts I have. But this post and my current life go hand-in-hand, so maybe they'll be a combination life update and spiritual pondering of sorts.

At the end of 2010, I wrote a devotional for my previous job recounting the year and the growth and being very grateful for the chance that year gave me to grow and become. It was a challenging year, but it was happy and I was happy with who I was and where I was.

Enter 2011.

I re-read that devotional a couple weeks ago, and thought, "wow, Kate. You shouldn't have been too hasty in calling 2010 a challenge." It was truly my gentle calm before a great storm.

In hindsight, I realize that in 2010 I let myself go spiritually because I was so comfortable. My job was easy and they thought the world of me, I was living in the same place for over a year (a record for me considering my frequent moving habits), and I just let myself get a little lax in it all.

At the beginning of 2011, I met a guy. He was a good guy, I fell in love with him and I felt it was that time in my life to take the step of marriage. We had a whirlwind romance, something I thought would be wonderful and fun... but it mostly left me with anxiety and unease. After getting engaged, making plans to spend our lives together, and planning a wedding (which would have been beautiful btw), things fell apart. I realized that I had turned a blind eye to some very blaring issues in our relationship and before much could happen, the relationship fell to pieces, we broke off the engagement, and I moved to Provo, Utah, probably the last place on earth I wanted to live. Although I felt that it was the right thing to do, the ensuing months of trying to fill a giant void left by broken plans left me feeling hollow and abandoned. The tender mercies at that time were my family (especially my mother), young, easy-going roommates, a job that kept me growing & learning, a temple nearby, skydiving and a bicycle and swimming pool to keep the endorphins up.

Enter the title of this post. I am reading the book, "Hard Times and Holy Places" by Kris Belcher. At one point, she talks about the people of the Brother of Jared, and how when starting their journey toward the Promised Land, they "commenced themselves unto the Lord". Then, not long after enclosing themselves in ships that were "tight like unto a dish", the winds began that tossed them to and fro, both above the water and below. I can't imagine how I would feel in that moment. Probably something like, "okay, Heavenly Father, here I am trusting you, and you choose to send me across the ocean in such an unpleasant way? Don't you love me at all?"

That last question, as silly as it may sound, was one of the questions I asked myself often this summer. Don't you love me at all Father? Did you forget about me? I struggled so often to remember everything I had known as I looked around and saw circumstances that were anything but ideal.

Then along came one of the greatest tender mercies of my life. The Lord put a man in my life in August who, for the first time ever, took a relationship rather slow. I put the brakes on several times because of my still-healing heart, but he stuck around. Things progressed, and I started to fall for him. He helped me so much in restoring my faith in myself and in what I truly want most. He was comfortable and goofy, and I could talk with him for hours. Where is he now, you ask? We are no longer dating because I felt the guidance of the Lord that it was not the direction I was to take, which is something my broken engagement taught me to follow. Walking away from him was and still is one of the hardest things of my life, but I have learned to trust my Father as He guides, and accept the howling, sacred winds of personal guidance and growth.

Next week, my very best friend in this world is getting married. I am so, so happy for her. These past weeks have been showers and parties, and designs and plans. Yes, the timing on all of this is painful, but it is causing me to learn to put aside what I am going through, and just be so happy that she has found her sweetheart.

Was 2010 hard? It was certainly challenging. How about 2011? I don't even know how to describe the depths of all I have felt. For the first time in my life, I had to deal with constant anxiety, abandonment and deep disappointment. Yet, I don't feel any resentment, any feelings of "why me?" anymore. (I am sometimes in awe that those feelings went away.) As I reflect upon all that has happened, I feel a profound sense of gratitude. This year of constant winds has done something to me. It has taken out so much of my half-hearted comfort zone and has once again "brought me to myself". (That is the line that I love most from the parable of the Prodigal Son.)

Sometimes you have to break to be able to feel whole again. As I look back (and re-experience a lot of the pain by writing this), I am in awe that I feel nothing of resentment or anger. I almost wish to sing praises unto a merciful Father in Heaven for sending the storms, for "loving me enough to cut me down." (This is from a story told in Elder Christofferson's talk last April - seriously read this talk.)

This is a long blog post, and if you've read this far, you deserve some sort of a prize. Life is so funny, isn't it? So unexpected, but it's the unexpected that makes it beautiful. How grateful I am for the lessons learned and wisdom taught in my Great Storm of 2011. I really hope this next year is a little kinder, but I am willing to accept whatever comes. I am once again reminded of our purpose on earth and the privilege of growing and becoming. I thank my Father in Heaven for such glorious knowledge and blessings.