Ebbing and flowing.

See me with this cute boy? His name is Jared. We dated for just over a month. Yes, that's -ed meaning past tense. Why did it end you ask? Well, that's the tricky part. I don't actually know very well. The first couple of weeks I felt that he could possibly be it. (We've known each other for a while.) Then, it hit. Sheer anxiety and catatonic fear. I have no idea why it was so strong. I thought maybe it was the Spirit providing a stupor... maybe it was. I thought maybe it was me with my fears of marriage and commitment... again, maybe so. All I know is that this boy was a tender mercy in my life. He restored missing pieces in the deep and lonely areas of my heart and healed wounds left by past disappointments and heartaches. I read this and think, "then why in the world are you not with him?!?" The honest answer is that I went with my gut... but I don't know exactly which "gut" that is, whether it was inspiration, fear or what.  I don't know, I don't know.

The title of this post is ebbing and flowing. Sometimes I feel my life is ebbing and flowing. The sweet times roll in, and again depart, the challenging times come in a bit more forceful, knocking me off my feet.... yet life does go on. I don't know exactly where I am right now. My job is only an internship, yet I don't feel very inclined to search elsewhere for a "real job". They'd like to hire me, but who knows if there will ever be an open position? The boy situation was explained above. My housing roommate situation is very ideal right now and what a blessing that is, but I feel less and less satisfied with my ward and my place in life in general. Winter is coming and that always depresses me a little. All in all, my life is currently ebbing and I feel pulled into the ocean, away from the safety of the shore and most things "normal". However, I can feel that something is coming. The tide will turn, my life will move forward and I will one day experience joy again. But for now, I am just going to grow a little more slowly, as President Uchtdorf said in general conference last weekend. Please Father, heal this broken soul and help me be grateful for this glorious ride of mortality.