I can do HARD things.

Hey cyber-world. Today I feel like blogging. Considering that my last post was about 8 months ago, this may be a surprise to you. The reason I haven't done it in times past is that I get ready to do it, get distracted by layouts and pictures and what I am going to do to entertain, and lose the desire before I can get anything out. Today, I am not worrying about those other things and I don't plan to entertain. I just want to write.

To those who don't know, I am unemployed. My job at Deseret Book ended in December because things just weren't working and it wasn't the right fit anymore. I left certain that I'd have a job soon. Now, four months later, I am still looking... and waiting... and wondering... and humbled to have learned once again that I really don't have control over my life.

I have also learned many things in this glorious process and these past few days have been a culmination of the many lessons which I have learned. Here they are:

1) Great is the reward and satisfaction of an accomplishment when great amounts of work and sacrifice are given to achieve it.

I completed a triathlon on Saturday. It was so great. Granted the run wasn't all that great because I don't love to run all that much, and hardly trained for it, but the overall accomplishment of it was incredible. I can do hard things. I learned that it just takes starting, and then continuing, and then finishing. That's all. It's easy to look at something and think that it can't be done, but where would we be if that was an acceptable attitude? I remember as a missionary in the MTC listening to Elder Scott say that if you are going to eat an elephant, you don't eat it all at once. So often, I look at mortality and it's challenges, or things that don't bear an instant fruit, and have a desire to just throw the towel in. I have done that far too often in my life, and have a lot "regrets" for being so hasty.

2) There is a plan and a place for me and the Lord is the One who knows it the very best.

Why am I so quick to think my wants and desires are what I truly need? I can't see the end from the beginning, let alone where I will be in a few months, or even a few days. But, one thing I do know is that He does. Okay, so I don't know this perfectly yet, but the Lord is working diligently to help me learn. I teach Sunday School, and have just been in awe and slightly frustrated at the lack of faith and eternal vision of the children of Israel. Then it dawned on me that I often do the very same thing they did. I have been shown miracle after miracle, yet He is forced to humble me once again and whisper, "Rely on ME." I am one who has constantly taken my confidence from outside sources. He is trying to teach me to acquire that confidence from knowing that I am HIS. I am His daughter and He loves me, so come what may.

The glorious news of my life is that my unemployment may be ending soon. I heard back on an internship in the Public Affairs Office of the Church on Friday and was essentially given the offer. After hearing about that, I thought that for sure this was the Lord's plan for me and planned to accept the internship immediately. Then yesterday, I got a phone call while wandering through Target, and did a phone interview right then and there for a position as a Coordinator of Mission Leader Services for the Church... essentially making sure all mission presidents have their needs met and that proper communication is happening between them and the seventies over their mission. There are many other things, many of which I don't know, but WOW! What an opportunity! Who knows what will happen yet, but I am thrilled at the prospect of either one, and am grateful for these past few months of learning and growth.

But, at the same time, I can't begin tell you how much I have panicked about my life in these past four months, each time working desperately to figure it all out in that moment. I have come up with some pretty interesting schemes, but in the end, I am always brought back to earth by a loving and patient Father. I am learning to listen and heed His voice a little more, and more importantly, I am learning how to work and endure my challenges well. It makes me think of a quote by President Uchtdorf from his talk this past Priesthood session of general conference:

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

I can endure and I can do it well. I have faith. He has taught it to me.

3) Remember that in dating, the man I marry will be lucky to have me.

I am a fairly confident person... that is until it comes to dating seriously at all. A few weeks ago, I decided that I was done with boys. That same night, I ran into a boy that I had liked in the past, and we ended up talking until 3:30 a.m. and have since spent a lot of time together in the past few weeks. At this point, nothing is happening, and I am fairly certain he isn't interested anymore, but I couldn't be sure, so I decided to do something that I would never have done. I decided to give him a present. Small deal, right? NO! Big deal for me. I was finally able to step out of my comfort zone and show a boy that I am interested in him. I hate that feeling of vulnerability, so this was a big step.

The update on the boy is that I didn't even hear an acknowledgment of the gift until Sunday night when we ran into each other at a single's ward thing. By that point, I had pretty much decided that he wasn't interested, and once again prepared to face the discouragement of rejection. Am I jumping to conclusions on this?? Maybe. Either way, after dealing with the disappointment, I remembered the words of my sister-in-law when she told me to remember that the man who marries me will be lucky to have me. I so easily forget that, but it's true. I will be a loving and supportive (and fun) wife! I just know it because I have had years to think about who I want to be for my husband. I love him already. I wrote in my journal the other night: "What a miracle love is. I am in awe when girl likes boy, boy likes girl, all feels correct, and they choose to make it eternal. I am grateful for the time I have now to go through the joys, heartaches, and challenges of being 'single and searching'. One day it will all work out, I will have a husband that I am already filled with love for, and oh what joy I will know because of this bittersweet time. Please know how much I love you, dear eternal companion & friend."

The bottom-line of this (lengthy) blog entry is that I know I can do hard things for I am doing them now. I can be patient and put my trust in the Lord. He hears my voice, even the seemingly insignificant voice of a foolish, slow-to-learn, but willing daughter. I love him and I praise Him with my gratitude. I love His gospel, and I treasure these past few months of "hard times". I have felt today how much I will miss them when they come to an end.